remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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