Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
