I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Randomize
