You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
