Barsexuality is the new black.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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