Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
