Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
