Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
