Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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