Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm having to shit out rocks
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