My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
