Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
