he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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