Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
