There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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