There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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