I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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