How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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