Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
