You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
