Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
