Moan for me like Helen Keller
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
