So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
