why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
