i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
