I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
