Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
