Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
