I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
