and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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