Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
