Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
