Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
