If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
