I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
