Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My ass is underappreciated
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
