This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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