I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
