good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
