I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
