I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
