Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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