Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
