I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
