I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The uberlube is also flammable
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
