How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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