My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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