So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
