Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
