8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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